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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks

MIAMI—During a televised press conference held Friday afternoon at their chic beachside headquarters, the nation's attractive people demanded that we each immediately mail them a personal check for $200. "Just make it out to 'cash,'" said their physically flawless spokesperson Juliana Marie St. Onge, occasionally glancing up from texting and flashing an alluring smile as she addressed the country. "Aw, don't ask what the money's for, that's no fun. Besides, you know you're just going to send it anyway." Initial reports indicate that most citizens have already mailed their checks, with some including an additional $50 to $1,000 in an effort to make a good impression.

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