Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 17

Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save

NEW YORK—Following Mariano Rivera's second consecutive blown save Sunday, coaches and executives led the11-time All Star and World Series MVP into an office, slammed the door shut, and reamed him out for several minutes, team sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comedy

Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks

MIAMI—During a televised press conference held Friday afternoon at their chic beachside headquarters, the nation's attractive people demanded that we each immediately mail them a personal check for $200. "Just make it out to 'cash,'" said their physically flawless spokesperson Juliana Marie St. Onge, occasionally glancing up from texting and flashing an alluring smile as she addressed the country. "Aw, don't ask what the money's for, that's no fun. Besides, you know you're just going to send it anyway." Initial reports indicate that most citizens have already mailed their checks, with some including an additional $50 to $1,000 in an effort to make a good impression.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More