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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Nation's Attractive People Demand We Send Them All $200 Checks

MIAMI—During a televised press conference held Friday afternoon at their chic beachside headquarters, the nation's attractive people demanded that we each immediately mail them a personal check for $200. "Just make it out to 'cash,'" said their physically flawless spokesperson Juliana Marie St. Onge, occasionally glancing up from texting and flashing an alluring smile as she addressed the country. "Aw, don't ask what the money's for, that's no fun. Besides, you know you're just going to send it anyway." Initial reports indicate that most citizens have already mailed their checks, with some including an additional $50 to $1,000 in an effort to make a good impression.

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