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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month

CHICAGO—In celebration of concussions, cerebral contusions, and other forms of blunt head trauma, bicyclists across the country removed their protective helmets Monday for National Head Injury Month. "It is an honor for me to commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month," said NHIM organizer John Harris, who made the announcement while simultaneously riding his bike, blasting Danzig-era Misfits on his iPod, and veering wildly in and out of traffic. "It is an honor for me commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month." Cyclists observe National Head Injury Month each May, immediately following their recognition in April of Flailing Uncontrollably Through the Air Month.

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