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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month

CHICAGO—In celebration of concussions, cerebral contusions, and other forms of blunt head trauma, bicyclists across the country removed their protective helmets Monday for National Head Injury Month. "It is an honor for me to commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month," said NHIM organizer John Harris, who made the announcement while simultaneously riding his bike, blasting Danzig-era Misfits on his iPod, and veering wildly in and out of traffic. "It is an honor for me commemorate this wonderful, wonderful month." Cyclists observe National Head Injury Month each May, immediately following their recognition in April of Flailing Uncontrollably Through the Air Month.

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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