Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 41

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

Following a dispute between city and county officials over who should pay to prosecute offenders, the Topeka City Council voted to decriminalize misdemeanor domestic violence. What do you think?

Hollywood Announces Plan To Remake Jimmy Stewart

Congress passes a law requiring every U.S. dog to wear a neckerchief, a report shows that your mother is silently weeping about you right now, and an actor sometimes feels silly pretending to be somebody else. It's the week of October 10th, 2011.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Originality

Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas

EVERYWHERE—The country's brothers-in-law released a statement Tuesday announcing their unparalleled desire to receive an expertly written, tangible anthology of sports and sports-culture journalism for Christmas. "We want the best of both the writing and publishing worlds, priced within the affordable and certainly reasonable $21 to $23 range," read the statement, which added that paying the full, as-advertised price would serve as the best way to compensate the overwhelmingly deserving authors of such a publication. "This book would not only make us very happy on a momentous holiday, but would also add meaning to our otherwise insubstantial familial bond, which could then be reinforced further by presenting us with a second copy of the same book, just in case something were to happen to our all-important original copy." Thus far, the only product to meet the brothers-in-law's well-reasoned and plausible standards is the Onion Sports' new Ecstasy Of Defeat, now on sale for the full, as-advertised price of $21.99 wherever fine books are sold. 

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More