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Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation's Brothers-In-Law Know Exactly What They Want For Christmas

EVERYWHERE—The country's brothers-in-law released a statement Tuesday announcing their unparalleled desire to receive an expertly written, tangible anthology of sports and sports-culture journalism for Christmas. "We want the best of both the writing and publishing worlds, priced within the affordable and certainly reasonable $21 to $23 range," read the statement, which added that paying the full, as-advertised price would serve as the best way to compensate the overwhelmingly deserving authors of such a publication. "This book would not only make us very happy on a momentous holiday, but would also add meaning to our otherwise insubstantial familial bond, which could then be reinforced further by presenting us with a second copy of the same book, just in case something were to happen to our all-important original copy." Thus far, the only product to meet the brothers-in-law's well-reasoned and plausible standards is the Onion Sports' new Ecstasy Of Defeat, now on sale for the full, as-advertised price of $21.99 wherever fine books are sold. 

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