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Nation’s Cable Companies Announce They’re Just Going To Take $100 From Everyone

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OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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Nation’s Cable Companies Announce They’re Just Going To Take $100 From Everyone

NEW YORK—Offering no justification for the action aside from their own desire to do so, executives from the nation’s leading cable companies announced plans Wednesday to take $100 from every one of their subscribers. “At midnight EST tonight, we will deduct exactly $100 from each of our customers’ accounts and, frankly, there is nothing that anyone can do about it,” said Comcast President and CEO Brian L. Roberts in a morning press conference, flanked by like-minded executives from Time Warner, Dish Network, Cox, and numerous other cable companies, all of whom confirmed the non-refundable $100 charge would apply to all subscribers regardless of service package and would most certainly not be applied as credit toward future charges to the account. “The bottom line is we want $100 from you, so we’re just going to take it. As a cable subscriber, you really have no other option here. And we’ll probably do it again in a few weeks, too.” The cable company CEOs added that any subscriber who was dissatisfied with the plan was more than welcome to call their customer service lines.

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