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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants

INDIANAPOLIS—Looking to experience the kind of timeless, romantic atmosphere that only a ring-shaped, 50-foot-tall, motorized eatery can provide, millions of lovers flocked to the nation's roughly two dozen revolving restaurants this Valentine's Day. The couples—whose deep love for each other could only be expressed by consuming an overpriced meal near a large window while traveling almost imperceptibly around a fixed circular path—packed panoramic restaurants from New York to Seattle. "The wife and I saw the whole town," said Howard Watts, who visited the Eagle's Nest restaurant in Indianapolis with his spouse, Sheila. "The Motor Speedway, the interstate. Everything. Making one full rotation every 47 minutes reminded us why we fell in love." According to analysts, the nation's singles were still happy to spend the holiday microwaving things that can be eaten over the sink.

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