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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants

INDIANAPOLIS—Looking to experience the kind of timeless, romantic atmosphere that only a ring-shaped, 50-foot-tall, motorized eatery can provide, millions of lovers flocked to the nation's roughly two dozen revolving restaurants this Valentine's Day. The couples—whose deep love for each other could only be expressed by consuming an overpriced meal near a large window while traveling almost imperceptibly around a fixed circular path—packed panoramic restaurants from New York to Seattle. "The wife and I saw the whole town," said Howard Watts, who visited the Eagle's Nest restaurant in Indianapolis with his spouse, Sheila. "The Motor Speedway, the interstate. Everything. Making one full rotation every 47 minutes reminded us why we fell in love." According to analysts, the nation's singles were still happy to spend the holiday microwaving things that can be eaten over the sink.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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