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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Nation's Cowboys Fans Deeply Nostalgic Following Michael Irvin's Latest Drug-Related Arrest

PLANO, TX—Cowboys football fans nationwide experienced deep feelings of nostalgia for the franchise's glory days when former Dallas receiver Michael Irvin, for years an offensive standout even on one of the NFL's most talented and felony-prone teams, was once again involved in illegal drug-related activities. Irvin, who led all players in combined receptions, touchdowns, receiving yards, and arrests for cocaine possession in the '90s, was charged with misdemeanor paraphernalia possession when officers found a crack pipe in his car during a routine traffic stop. "I know it's not the same as 1996—that was the year Michael was absolutely in the zone, and also circumstantially in that hotel room with a suitcase full of cocaine and some hookers, and went on to get 1,200 yards and 800 hours of community service," said Dallas resident and lifelong Cowboys fan Elizabeth McGlynn. "But it's good to know that he's still got something left in the old tank. I bet he could really teach these rookies today a few tricks." Dallas has not had a starter go to both the Pro Bowl and narcotics court in the same year since Irvin retired in 2000 to become one of ESPN's less-controversial on-air personalities.

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