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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision

WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have also announced their support for the procedure, declaring it the more hygienic and aesthetically preferable alternative. “We just want to see healthy, happy boys out there, unencumbered by unsightly folds of loose foreskin,” creepy middle school gym teacher spokesman Mr. Griffon said at a press conference Wednesday, stressing that his group did not dislike uncircumcised penises per se, but simply found them less than ideal. “No boy should have to go through life with a disease-ridden flap of skin obscuring the elegant curve of his glans.” The group also decried the growing childhood obesity epidemic, due to its reported deleterious effects on student health and the firmness of pubescent breasts.

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