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Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild

GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," deans from more than 300 U.S. colleges converged on the University of Florida campus to address the growing problem of out-of-control, sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the cameras. "In recent years, a number of filmmakers have brought to light the shocking antics of hot young girls from the wildest party schools," said Tulane University dean of students Dr. Anderson Brand. "We must take appropriate action to address this wild, uncensored revelry." Brandishing one of the mail-order videotapes, University of Connecticut dean Charles Burton said, "I could not believe what happened when those crazy co-eds got back to their hotel rooms. Nor, I suspect, could anyone."

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