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Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON—As they awoke this morning, millions of Americans reportedly let out a heavy groan of regret upon remembering they had made an emotional connection with Republican nominee Mitt Romney last night during his first debate with President Barack Obama. “Oh my god, I’m pretty sure I liked him. Like, on a personal level, I connected with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney,” said Pennsylvania resident Tom Gorelick, 26, adding that he can barely look at himself in the mirror now that he’s seen Romney as an appealing, charismatic speaker who could in fact become President of the United States. “Am I somebody who is going to vote for Mitt Romney now? Did I just ask that question out loud? I feel gross.” At press time, Gorelick was taking a scalding hot shower and vigorously scrubbing his body with steel wool.

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