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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON—As they awoke this morning, millions of Americans reportedly let out a heavy groan of regret upon remembering they had made an emotional connection with Republican nominee Mitt Romney last night during his first debate with President Barack Obama. “Oh my god, I’m pretty sure I liked him. Like, on a personal level, I connected with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney,” said Pennsylvania resident Tom Gorelick, 26, adding that he can barely look at himself in the mirror now that he’s seen Romney as an appealing, charismatic speaker who could in fact become President of the United States. “Am I somebody who is going to vote for Mitt Romney now? Did I just ask that question out loud? I feel gross.” At press time, Gorelick was taking a scalding hot shower and vigorously scrubbing his body with steel wool.

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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