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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON—As they awoke this morning, millions of Americans reportedly let out a heavy groan of regret upon remembering they had made an emotional connection with Republican nominee Mitt Romney last night during his first debate with President Barack Obama. “Oh my god, I’m pretty sure I liked him. Like, on a personal level, I connected with Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney,” said Pennsylvania resident Tom Gorelick, 26, adding that he can barely look at himself in the mirror now that he’s seen Romney as an appealing, charismatic speaker who could in fact become President of the United States. “Am I somebody who is going to vote for Mitt Romney now? Did I just ask that question out loud? I feel gross.” At press time, Gorelick was taking a scalding hot shower and vigorously scrubbing his body with steel wool.

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