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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Nation’s Dogs Vow To Keep Their Shit Together During 4th Of July Fireworks

WASHINGTON—Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nation’s dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their shit together during this year’s Fourth of July fireworks displays. “Though we recognize we have not always demonstrated the most poise and self-control on this particular holiday, we want to assure everyone that this will finally be the year we don’t completely lose it and freak out upon hearing the booming of distant fireworks,” said Duchess, a 6-year-old cocker spaniel, adding that the country’s 80 million dogs aim to avoid cowering under the coffee table or uncontrollably urinating on the kitchen floor in a moment of pure panic after neighbors light off firecrackers or bottle rockets. “We’ve been preparing for the past few months, and we think we’ll finally be able to maintain our composure this time around. We can’t promise that we won’t whimper a little or try to jump up and sit next to you on the couch, but we’re definitely not going to sprint in circles around the living room or howl continuously until the noises stop.” The nation’s dogs concluded by acknowledging they could not guarantee that they won’t go completely apeshit the next time the doorbell rings.


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