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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate

WASHINGTON—With their mouths agape and their glassy eyes fixed upon tonight’s televised presidential debate, the nation’s ever so suggestible dullards are currently fluttering to and fro like feathered shuttlecocks between candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, sources have confirmed. “Well, I was planning on supporting Obama after he talked about his plan to create more manufacturing jobs, but then Romney said he would reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and that actually sounds better,” said 32-year-old Wilbur Pruett, one of the millions of gullible, weak-brained imbeciles gingerly batted back and forth between two possible voting options as though propelled by the tensile force of an ultralight stringed racquet. “Then again, Obama did just say that Romney’s plan is bad for the middle class, so who knows? They just both seem right and wrong in so many ways.” Reports suggested the nation’s utter simpletons will hover just so, in a gentle, suspended arc, until such time as they land on whichever candidate the man on the radio tells them to land on.

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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