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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate

WASHINGTON—With their mouths agape and their glassy eyes fixed upon tonight’s televised presidential debate, the nation’s ever so suggestible dullards are currently fluttering to and fro like feathered shuttlecocks between candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, sources have confirmed. “Well, I was planning on supporting Obama after he talked about his plan to create more manufacturing jobs, but then Romney said he would reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and that actually sounds better,” said 32-year-old Wilbur Pruett, one of the millions of gullible, weak-brained imbeciles gingerly batted back and forth between two possible voting options as though propelled by the tensile force of an ultralight stringed racquet. “Then again, Obama did just say that Romney’s plan is bad for the middle class, so who knows? They just both seem right and wrong in so many ways.” Reports suggested the nation’s utter simpletons will hover just so, in a gentle, suspended arc, until such time as they land on whichever candidate the man on the radio tells them to land on.

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