Nation's Experts Give Up

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Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

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WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union.

First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table

WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table.

The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda.

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan

Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate

WASHINGTON—With precincts reporting GOP victories in key midterm election races nationwide, Beltway sources confirmed Tuesday that the Republican Party is poised to retain its complete control of the U.S.

The Onion’s Guide To Voting

Midterm elections are taking place today, with 36 Senate spots, all 435 House seats, and thousands of local posts to be decided at ballot boxes across the country.
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Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing years of frustration over their advice being misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost experts in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday.

Left: Child-rearing expert Dr. Patrick Coughlin and Korean War expert Dr. Laurence Block field reporters' questions following the mass resignation of America's 243,839 experts.

"Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws out its recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have easy access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches seven hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and leaves halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy, vice-president of the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't seem to care about things you don't understand, screw you. We quit."

"My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you people should just go fuck yourselves."

Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor specializing in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert in petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the experts' mass resignation is justified.

"Last year, I testified before Congress that at the current rate of consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural gas and oil would be gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I was some sort of crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?"

"We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years, you'll be up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet begun making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we recommend that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically powered 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be disposed of quickly and painlessly."

According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the National Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in the manner they had intended.

"Public reaction was favorable to the news that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy said. "Of course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be better than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs probably wouldn't kill them outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much ignored every word we've ever said concerning just about everything."

Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation is expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.

"Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the topsoil go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of your SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the atom. Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd Rock From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book- readers at the stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you want."

Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden dearth of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media, particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on experts for their incisive, time-filling punditry.

"How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can we report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top psychotherapists and marine biologists to offer their perspective? Without the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special report has no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as we know it."

According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will be missed, but the nation must move forward.

"We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable individuals in every field," Landau said. "But at the same time, it's important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always impractical."

Landau said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with "positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and astrologers" as soon as funding can be arranged.

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