adBlockCheck

Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

Ketchup is not, as many seem to believe, an unlimited commodity.
Ketchup is not, as many seem to believe, an unlimited commodity.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup.

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

"Unlimited access to ketchup is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

According to representatives from the nation's six largest fast food chains, Americans use more than $18 million worth of ketchup per year, with nearly $7 million of the tomato-based condiment ending up smeared on the backs of chairs, on nearby tables, or in the hair of small children, and in some cases simply spilt in large, repulsive puddles on the floor.

In all, some 220 factors were cited by the American Fast Food Association in their decision to remove the self-service pumps. Among them, the spectacular failure on the part of all patrons to recognize their own limits, and the tendency, among many men and women, to just squirt out the free condiment as if their lives depended on it.

From now on, those seeking extra ketchup will be required to submit a non-stained written application.

"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO John W. Chidsey, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans use on average 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal. "What's wrong with you people? Were you scared it was going to run out or something?"

"Look, it's not even about the ketchup, okay?" Swette added. "It's about setting some boundaries for once."

Beginning Nov. 12, all participating fast food restaurants will begin serving a maximum of two ketchup packets with any hamburger-based meal. If a patron desires additional ketchup, he or she will have to fill out a special three-page Ketchup Request Form, which must then be presented to a manager on duty for evaluation.

In addition to specifying the reason for their request, customers will have to present fast food officials with two forms of valid ID, their social security number, and a signature from a third-party witness who can attest to there being enough remaining ketchup-free food to necessitate an additional packet. Only when all conditions are met will a patron receive a condiment voucher.

Patrons requesting barbecue sauce to dip their fries in will be escorted from the premises immediately.

"Our scientists don't spend countless hours manufacturing the food we serve just to have it dunked and drowned in obscene amounts of ketchup," said J. David Karam, president of Wendy's International. "Can customers even taste the dipropyl ketone or amyl acetate in our food anymore? It makes me sick."

Reaction to the new condiment policy has been overwhelmingly negative thus far, with some patrons claiming they would sooner eat lunch at home than frequent a fast food establishment that imposes limits on their ketchup consumption.

"This is outrageous," said Tennessee resident Sheila Hodge, a longtime fast food consumer. "If I want to gorge myself on so much ketchup that I need to vomit, then that should be my God-given right. This is McDonald's we're talking about. Half the reason I come here in the first place is so I can behave like a total animal."

At press time, the Arby's chain was continuing to let customers freely operate their "horsey sauce" dispenser, as nobody in America has touched that shit in years.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close