adBlockCheck

Nation’s Female Joggers Know They Will One Day Be Assaulted, Buried In Woods

Top Headlines

Recent News

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation’s Female Joggers Know They Will One Day Be Assaulted, Buried In Woods

‘Circle Of Life,’ Say Women

This woman knows, as all jogging women know, that her bloody fate is preordained, and but a part of nature’s grand, eternal narrative.
This woman knows, as all jogging women know, that her bloody fate is preordained, and but a part of nature’s grand, eternal narrative.

NEW YORK—Describing it as just another stage in the unending cosmic circle of life, the nation’s female joggers acknowledged Tuesday they shall all, at some point or another, be physically attacked and buried deep in the woods.

Women joggers of all ages across the country told reporters that every female who partakes in the aerobic exercise will eventually turn up as a half-nude body discarded in a heavily forested area, thus fulfilling the majestic journey taken by all jogging females, from time immemorial, in their passage through the universe.

“Such is the transcendent, time-honored pathway taken by all women who choose to exercise outdoors by themselves,” said Rhonda Wilmington, 28, shortly before beginning her 5 a.m. jog around Manhattan’s Central Park. “It is one of life’s great constants: the sun rises, the sun sets, and a lone lady jogger will be stabbed, dragged into a forested area, and ultimately be thrown in a ditch 15 feet off the bike path. So it has been, and so it shall always be in the universe’s perennial cycle of life, death, and rebirth.”

“Days later her body will be found—her bloody Nike tracksuit covered in leaves, dirt, and ants,” Wilmington added. “Just as the cosmos, in its infinite mystery, always intended.”

Calmly confirming that it is their ultimate, inexorable destiny to one day become the subject of a missing persons report, the nation’s women joggers confirmed this week that they put on their running shoes and spandex tank tops every morning knowing full well it could end up being the day they are savagely beaten or sexually assaulted, and knowing full well that such a fate is neither bleak nor catastrophic, but merely their preordained role in the greater tapestry of life itself.

When asked by reporters to elaborate on their eventual demise at the hands of a violent assailant, the majority of women joggers said, “This is the only way it can be. This is the way it has to be. This is the way of the Earth, the way of the stars, the way of all things connected as one.”

“We do not know if death will come to us during a morning jog, an evening jog, or even a midday jog right in broad daylight,” said Fort Smith, AR resident Judy Gonzalez, with an expression of total serenity. “But when it comes—when we turn around and see a wild-eyed man running and closing in on us—we face our death knowing the forces of the universe had always intended for us to haplessly kick and scratch our attacker until he eventually overpowers us.”

“Who am I to question how the tide convenes upon the shore, or when the leaves begin their gentle, autumnal descent?” said Boston attorney Lindsay Hatcher. “All matter, living and nonliving, must play its prescribed part in the continuing theatre of the cosmos, and if it is my role to be a mangled corpse stumbled upon by children playing Frisbee, so be it.”

Other joggers added that while their grisly fate will, of course, be tragic, they have gradually found inner peace in knowing they have fulfilled their chapter in nature’s grand narrative.

“It is harmony, seemingly opposed forces working in concert to create a beautiful and inevitable whole,” said Seattle accountant Jessica Chen. “Just as the spider eats the moth and the lion eats the gazelle, so too must the anonymous assailant kill the jogging woman, so she may become one with the universe.”

“We all come from the earth cold, alone, and utterly vulnerable, and we must all return to the earth in much the same way,” Chen continued. “Accompanied only by the fading sound of an iPod playlist blaring through our headphones.”

Female joggers went on to say that those who are not killed during their morning routes will go on to be ogled, shouted at, and sexually harassed for the remainder of their days, thereby fulfilling their own role in the timeless saga of existence.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close