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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
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Nation’s Financial Advisors Recommend Capturing Magical Creature That Grants Wishes

CHICAGO—Calling it the most reliable strategy for ensuring financial stability in the current economy, a report released Thursday by the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors recommends that middle-class Americans capture a magical creature with the power to grant wishes. “Taking into account the average American’s present level of savings as well as prevailing market conditions, there simply is no sounder choice individuals can make than venturing into a hidden glen or cavern, luring an enchanted creature from its dwelling, and then apprehending it and using its offered wishes to build a solid financial plan for the future,” said researcher Alison Knox, who explained that whether the wishes were acquired by sparing the life of a talking golden fish, rubbing an ancient Arabian lamp, or intoning the name of a woodland troll backwards to make him one’s captive, Americans would be wise to set aside one of their wishes for an ample 529 college savings plan for their children and use another wish on a well-funded retirement account. “Far beyond budgeting or managing a portfolio of stocks and bonds, tricking one of these mystical beings into becoming one’s wish-granting servant is the most prudent, and frankly for most Americans, the most practical way of securing long-term solvency and a comfortable standard of living.” Knox noted that many magical creatures charge modest fees for their services, such as one’s firstborn child or a pledge of one’s eternal servitude in the afterlife, but emphasized that a stable financial future was well worth the cost.


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