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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nation’s Financial Advisors Recommend Capturing Magical Creature That Grants Wishes

CHICAGO—Calling it the most reliable strategy for ensuring financial stability in the current economy, a report released Thursday by the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors recommends that middle-class Americans capture a magical creature with the power to grant wishes. “Taking into account the average American’s present level of savings as well as prevailing market conditions, there simply is no sounder choice individuals can make than venturing into a hidden glen or cavern, luring an enchanted creature from its dwelling, and then apprehending it and using its offered wishes to build a solid financial plan for the future,” said researcher Alison Knox, who explained that whether the wishes were acquired by sparing the life of a talking golden fish, rubbing an ancient Arabian lamp, or intoning the name of a woodland troll backwards to make him one’s captive, Americans would be wise to set aside one of their wishes for an ample 529 college savings plan for their children and use another wish on a well-funded retirement account. “Far beyond budgeting or managing a portfolio of stocks and bonds, tricking one of these mystical beings into becoming one’s wish-granting servant is the most prudent, and frankly for most Americans, the most practical way of securing long-term solvency and a comfortable standard of living.” Knox noted that many magical creatures charge modest fees for their services, such as one’s firstborn child or a pledge of one’s eternal servitude in the afterlife, but emphasized that a stable financial future was well worth the cost.


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