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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders

WASHINGTON, DC—Data released by the National Education Association Monday showed that the wide "knowledge chasm" in American public education is showing no signs of narrowing, especially among the nation's fourth-graders, who continue to lag behind their fifth-grade counterparts by as much as one academic year.

"Despite the fact that these students are often taught in the very same school, fourth-graders exhibit inferior knowledge of such subjects as spelling, grammar, and mathematics, as well as even the most rudimentary scientific concepts," NEA spokeswoman Millicent Hoff said. "Most alarmingly, our data show that the crisis has been exactly this dire for as long as schools have kept records of children's progress."

While some education advocates say fourth- graders should be exposed to accelerated learning programs, others claim such actions would be futile, as fourth-graders are often little diaper-babies who are too dumb to do the same things as the big kids.

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