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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Nation’s Gay Straw Men March On Washington For Right To Marry Animals

WASHINGTON—In an effort to advance what they have repeatedly stated is the key element of their agenda, the nation’s gay straw men marched on the nation’s capital Monday to advocate for the right to marry animals, sources confirmed. “If men can marry men, and women can marry women, then why shouldn’t I be allowed to enter into holy matrimony with a member of the animal kingdom?” said a straw man from Falmouth, MA, who explained that he should be permitted to wed whomever or whatever he pleases given that the legislative gates have been opened, a sentiment expressed by thousands of his fellow straw men as they hoisted signs that read “Equal Rights For Interspecies Partners” and “Marriage For All Mammals Now.” “In the years since my state legalized same-sex marriage, I’ve discovered that my emotional and physical needs cannot be fulfilled by another human, and it is clear that lying with either a cat, dog, or sheep is what I now want. We believe gay marriage has set an irrefutable legal precedent for this behavior, and we intend to act on it.” At press time, demonstrators were reportedly shouting that they wouldn’t simply settle for the right to marry their siblings or any number of partners, noting that their ultimate goal was to marry an animal of their choosing or, perhaps, an inanimate object.

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