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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Nation’s Gay Straw Men March On Washington For Right To Marry Animals

WASHINGTON—In an effort to advance what they have repeatedly stated is the key element of their agenda, the nation’s gay straw men marched on the nation’s capital Monday to advocate for the right to marry animals, sources confirmed. “If men can marry men, and women can marry women, then why shouldn’t I be allowed to enter into holy matrimony with a member of the animal kingdom?” said a straw man from Falmouth, MA, who explained that he should be permitted to wed whomever or whatever he pleases given that the legislative gates have been opened, a sentiment expressed by thousands of his fellow straw men as they hoisted signs that read “Equal Rights For Interspecies Partners” and “Marriage For All Mammals Now.” “In the years since my state legalized same-sex marriage, I’ve discovered that my emotional and physical needs cannot be fulfilled by another human, and it is clear that lying with either a cat, dog, or sheep is what I now want. We believe gay marriage has set an irrefutable legal precedent for this behavior, and we intend to act on it.” At press time, demonstrators were reportedly shouting that they wouldn’t simply settle for the right to marry their siblings or any number of partners, noting that their ultimate goal was to marry an animal of their choosing or, perhaps, an inanimate object.

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