adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day

The nation’s girlfriends told reporters that absolutely everything is hinging on this.
The nation’s girlfriends told reporters that absolutely everything is hinging on this.

WASHINGTON—Confirming that it’s “all come down to this,” the nation’s girlfriends admitted Thursday that, despite anything they may have said or implied in the past, absolutely everything hinges on the outcome of this Valentine’s Day.

Describing the evening as “the indisputable make-or-break moment of our relationships,” the girlfriends explained that if Valentine’s Day fails, in any way, to live up to their standards, or if at any point they sense that not enough effort went into the occasion, then things are as good as over.

“Look, I’m gonna cut the shit here: I’ve basically funneled all my hopes for the future into this one night in which my boyfriend must achieve perfection, or else we’re through,” Virginia Beach area girlfriend Jenna Boyce, 27, told reporters, noting that she will be able to tell immediately if her boyfriend cheaps out on the flowers he has bought her or throws his gift together at the very last minute. “I expect an amazing, thoughtful, nearly flawless experience, one that is simultaneously fun and romantic, and a night I will remember for the rest of my life. Anything short of that, and I walk.”

“I know I’ve stated in the past that I believe Valentine’s Day is dumb and that it’s a commercial holiday and that it doesn’t matter to me, but I was lying,” Boyce added, in total concurrence with every other girlfriend in the country. “That was total horseshit. I, in fact, care more about this than anything, by far.”

The nation’s girlfriends admitted to reporters, and to anyone who cared to know, that nothing their boyfriends have ever done for them in the past, including any and all good deeds previously rendered, will matter in the slightest if they don’t make tomorrow a day to remember.

The assembled women then confirmed that they expect the following things tomorrow, and they “don’t give one flying fuck” if these expectations make them appear either old-fashioned, demanding, or unrealistic: flowers; repeated romantic gestures and signs of physical affection; compliments; assorted gifts of an emotionally resonant nature; a dinner that is sufficiently high-end yet also warm and intimate; two to three fond recollections of the relationship’s origins; an outfit and attention to personal dress on the part of the boyfriend that shows he cares; extended eye contact; highly engaged conversation; no spared details; no mistakes; no jokes that in any way undermine the seriousness and romantic gravity of the evening; no mention of money or cost; and a minimum of 25 utterances of the word “love.”

“And if you don’t like it, that is too fucking bad, because this is the attitude I am walking into tomorrow with and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to alter or subdue that attitude,” said Seattle area girlfriend Sonia Moreno, 31, noting that Valentine’s Day will be the sole metric she will use to gauge her boyfriend’s worth and romantic commitment. “That’s the reality. It’s all come down to this. And so, come tomorrow, I suppose myself and every girlfriend in America will find out for sure if their relationship has a future or not.”

The nation’s girlfriends also confirmed that if their boyfriends are able to go all out and make tomorrow truly special, then there is no reason why they couldn’t make a similar effort on every other day of the year too.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close