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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation's Grandfathers To Receive Annual Shipment Of $2 Bills From U.S. Treasury

WASHINGTON—During a press conference Monday, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson unveiled this year's shipment of brand-new $2 bills, all of which will be sent directly from the U.S. Mint to the nation's grandfathers by month's end. "I'm willing to speculate that most of you have never seen one of these before," a grinning Paulson told reporters Monday, while gesturing to a sheet of 500 $2 bills, assuring those present that grandfathers everywhere will soon have the perfect gift for their grandchildren's birthdays, good report cards, or just for when they come over to visit. "You can spend them on Lemonheads or anything you want." Throughout the presentation, reporters politely feigned excitement, and afterward they impressed the secretary by accurately guessing whose face was on the $2 bill without having to look at the name printed below it.

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