adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags

The nation’s grossly intimate couples say they plan on flicking their tongues on each other’s earlobes in line for the River Rocker.
The nation’s grossly intimate couples say they plan on flicking their tongues on each other’s earlobes in line for the River Rocker.

WASHINGTON—Interrupting various stages of excessive public intimacy to address the general population, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announced plans Thursday to wait in line at Six Flags amusement parks across the country.

A representative for the country’s overly intimate couples confirmed a multi-part initiative that includes arriving at all 19 Six Flags parks in the United States, entering lines for various attractions, and playfully groping, kissing, caressing, pinching, and tickling one another in plain view of all park attendees.

“On behalf of all sexually unrestrained couples throughout the country, I would like to advise Americans that as soon as you arrive at the entrance line for Six Flags, we will be there, cramming our tongues down each other’s throats,” said spokesman Brent Rossino, addressing the media while wrapping his arms around his girlfriend from behind and gently playing with her belly button piercing as they stood in line for the Kingda Ka roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, N.J. “We will engage in similar behavior while in line for every ride, every food stand, and every carnival game inside the park. It doesn’t matter if families, senior citizens, or entire youth groups are nearby—we will make out and cup various parts of each other’s bodies in front of any and all other visitors.”

“And we will do this throughout the day,” Rossino added. “Whether it’s 9 a.m. or 10 p.m., I will be repeatedly slapping her ass with my plastic Coke bottle right in front of you.”

Rossino confirmed that the nation’s immodest couples would fondle one another within just inches of fellow park patrons, while at the same time making loud references to their future sexual activity later in the evening. In addition, the grossly libidinous men and women revealed plans for ceaseless physical contact while in line for the Mind Eraser ride, often slowing the flow of foot traffic as they lean against handrails with their thumbs in their partners’ waistbands.

The couples added that, as they wait to board Batman: The Ride or any of the parks’ other inverted roller coasters, the male partner will run his tongue along the woman’s shoulder blade and neck while lightly stroking her thighs and then make a series of sexual remarks beginning with, “I know what else you’re going to ride tonight.”

Furthermore, the gratuitously sexual couples revealed that while standing in line to order concessions, the female partner, wearing a tight-fitting tank top and clear bra straps, will lift up her boyfriend’s basketball jersey and run her hands from his abs to the small of his back before they feed sugar and cinnamon churros into one another’s mouths in an unpleasant, erotically charged spectacle.

“As soon as I get in line at Hurricane Harbor, I plan on squealing aloud for everyone to hear as my boyfriend rubs his hands along the exposed skin above my low-rise jean shorts, and then I’ll giggle suggestively when he asks if I’m prepared to get ‘super wet,’” girlfriend Cristina Moran, 27, said of her upcoming visit to Six Flags New England. “After that, we’ll make out for eight to 12 minutes straight, generating loud sucking and smacking noises while I tug on his Metallica World Tour T-shirt.”

“If you’re in line near us, we may accidentally graze you as we run our hands up and down each other,” Moran continued.

At press time, the male partners confirmed that if anyone said anything about or even looked at their girl, they would knock out all their fucking teeth.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close