adBlockCheck

Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation’s Gratuitously Sexual Couples Announce Plans To Wait In Line At Six Flags

The nation’s grossly intimate couples say they plan on flicking their tongues on each other’s earlobes in line for the River Rocker.
The nation’s grossly intimate couples say they plan on flicking their tongues on each other’s earlobes in line for the River Rocker.

WASHINGTON—Interrupting various stages of excessive public intimacy to address the general population, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announced plans Thursday to wait in line at Six Flags amusement parks across the country.

A representative for the country’s overly intimate couples confirmed a multi-part initiative that includes arriving at all 19 Six Flags parks in the United States, entering lines for various attractions, and playfully groping, kissing, caressing, pinching, and tickling one another in plain view of all park attendees.

“On behalf of all sexually unrestrained couples throughout the country, I would like to advise Americans that as soon as you arrive at the entrance line for Six Flags, we will be there, cramming our tongues down each other’s throats,” said spokesman Brent Rossino, addressing the media while wrapping his arms around his girlfriend from behind and gently playing with her belly button piercing as they stood in line for the Kingda Ka roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, N.J. “We will engage in similar behavior while in line for every ride, every food stand, and every carnival game inside the park. It doesn’t matter if families, senior citizens, or entire youth groups are nearby—we will make out and cup various parts of each other’s bodies in front of any and all other visitors.”

“And we will do this throughout the day,” Rossino added. “Whether it’s 9 a.m. or 10 p.m., I will be repeatedly slapping her ass with my plastic Coke bottle right in front of you.”

Rossino confirmed that the nation’s immodest couples would fondle one another within just inches of fellow park patrons, while at the same time making loud references to their future sexual activity later in the evening. In addition, the grossly libidinous men and women revealed plans for ceaseless physical contact while in line for the Mind Eraser ride, often slowing the flow of foot traffic as they lean against handrails with their thumbs in their partners’ waistbands.

The couples added that, as they wait to board Batman: The Ride or any of the parks’ other inverted roller coasters, the male partner will run his tongue along the woman’s shoulder blade and neck while lightly stroking her thighs and then make a series of sexual remarks beginning with, “I know what else you’re going to ride tonight.”

Furthermore, the gratuitously sexual couples revealed that while standing in line to order concessions, the female partner, wearing a tight-fitting tank top and clear bra straps, will lift up her boyfriend’s basketball jersey and run her hands from his abs to the small of his back before they feed sugar and cinnamon churros into one another’s mouths in an unpleasant, erotically charged spectacle.

“As soon as I get in line at Hurricane Harbor, I plan on squealing aloud for everyone to hear as my boyfriend rubs his hands along the exposed skin above my low-rise jean shorts, and then I’ll giggle suggestively when he asks if I’m prepared to get ‘super wet,’” girlfriend Cristina Moran, 27, said of her upcoming visit to Six Flags New England. “After that, we’ll make out for eight to 12 minutes straight, generating loud sucking and smacking noises while I tug on his Metallica World Tour T-shirt.”

“If you’re in line near us, we may accidentally graze you as we run our hands up and down each other,” Moran continued.

At press time, the male partners confirmed that if anyone said anything about or even looked at their girl, they would knock out all their fucking teeth.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close