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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Nation’s Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played. “Do you think you’re some sort of funny guy? Do you think you can mess with me? Well, now is the time to do that,” said veteran Bronx detective Roger “Ratchet” O’Doyle, adding that it was the perfect time to mess with him and that, for the moment, lowlife scum could also assume he was born yesterday without fear of being shoved into a wall or dangled from a rooftop. “We’ve got about two hours here to get jerked around by punks like you. After that, it will no longer be a game, but for now, we do indeed have time for this shit.” The period in which hardass cops can be fucked with will reportedly continue until former detective Darryl Sykes emerges from retirement, grabs a low-level drug dealer by the shirt, shouts “Playtime’s over!” and tosses him off a bridge.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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