Nation's Homeless Less Important Than Ever

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Vol 31 Issue 12

Local Man Helped Every Day By Salad Shooter

CINCINNATI—A Presto Appliance advertising slogan was proven accurate Tuesday, when local resident Larry McCue announced that he is helped every day by the Presto Salad Shooter. "The Salad Shooter helps me every day," McCue said. "Whether I am shredding whole potatoes into hash browns at breakfast time, or preparing healthful salads and other entrees later in the day, no day goes by without help from my Salad Shooter." In addition to the culinary assistance provided by the appliance, McCue said that on one occasion he knocked an intruder unconscious with the compact, easy-to-clean appliance. Presto officials stressed that the Salad Shooter is not meant for use as a blunt weapon.

Clinton's Lower Lip 'Very Concerned' About Albanian Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move expected to cause a slight jutting of his lower jaw region, it was announced Monday that President Clinton's lower lip is "very concerned" about the ongoing civil unrest in Albania. A spokesperson for the president's lower lip told reporters that it would be "protruding outward with care, yet sliding slightly upward in a show of caution and prudence." It remains unclear whether this move will obscure the mucous membrane of his upper lip. "Clinton's lower lip is very aware that, considering the seriousness of the Albanian situation, complete upper-lip coverage is a possibility, but it is not making any decision at this time," the spokesperson said. Many insiders predict that Clinton's brow may also furrow slightly.

Creative Alcoholic Comes Up With Idea To Drink A Lot

GALVESTON, TX—Area alcoholic Joe Roush unveiled Monday a bold, counterintuitive plan for this weekend: to become intoxicated by the alcohol his body desperately craves. "After much rumination, I have brainstormed a plan to become thoroughly drunk through the consumption of beer and hard liquor," Roush said. "I created this plan myself, though playwright Brendan Behan was a source of inspiration." Key to Roush's plan will be switching from beer to scotch at around midnight.

Israel Agrees To Creation Of Palestinian Homeroom

WEST BANK—In a historic breakthrough in the struggle for peace in the Middle East, Israeli and PLO leaders settled on a large ground-floor room in a West Bank office building to be used as a Palestinian homeroom. "Finally, we, the people of Palestine, have a room to call our own, a place where we can go at the beginning of each day to take attendance and listen to announcements," PLO leader Yasser Arafat said. The PLO held out until the 11th hour of negotiations, insisting that all Palestinians be permitted to talk quietly in their new homeroom.

You're Doomed!

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh air could clear the fetid odor of my bedchamber. As she drew the curtain, she revealed a sight that sent stark terror down my aged and malformed spine. A comet! The hairy-star of lore, the legendary harbinger of doom and portent of evil!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comedy

Nation's Homeless Less Important Than Ever

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Tuesday by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, the nation's approximately five million homeless citizens are less important now than they have ever been.

One of America's estimated five million homeless citizens, whose importance dropped more than 30 percent last year.

Decreasing in importance by as much as 65 percent since 1992, the homeless are expected to remain at or below their current level of unimportance well into the 21st century.

"There is no question that America's homeless population, having no jobs, property, assets or marketable skills, has never been particularly important to our nation or its decent, non-homeless citizens," the report stated. "However, as they continue their downward spiral into degradation, indignity and destitution, it is clear that their importance, while negligible to begin with, is steadily decreasing."

"Considering that the homeless often do not even have the self-respect to not sit drunken in their own urine for hours on end," the report continued, "it is less than surprising that their overall importance is so minor."

The HUD report went on to cite a number of examples of things which are more important than the homeless, including: President Clinton's recent knee injury; the debate over bringing back instant replay to the NFL; next Tuesday's airing of the 1988 film Action Jackson on TBS; and the lack of affordable all-day parking in midtown Manhattan.

"Finding a reasonably priced restaurant that serves high-quality pasta," according to the report, is a whopping three times more important than the homeless. Even more notably, "having enough change in the car for the automatic toll lane in order to save valuable driving time" beat out the homeless in importance by a five-to-one margin.

The study's findings have met with mixed response. "This is an outrage," said Helene Cunningham, president of the Washington, D.C.-based Housing Now! "It is an insult to the human dignity of every one of this nation's urban poor."

Cunningham's remarks are not considered significant, however, as the HUD study also reported that people who work for relief organizations for the homeless are only marginally less unimportant than the homeless people themselves.

When asked if he disagreed with the evaluation of the homeless as unimportant, President Clinton replied, "Why, no."

The importance of homeless people has been falling since 1993.

"It is indeed difficult to imagine a demographic block of citizens in this great nation of ours that is less important than the homeless," Clinton said. "Each and every day, as I am escorted through the streets of Washington, I see filthy, ragged homeless people. They live in the streets like pigeons or squirrels, beneath the notice of not only myself, but of all Americans."

Added Clinton: "What kind of a person would eat garbage straight out of the trash bin, in public no less? A pretty low-class type of person if you ask me."

When asked how the Department of Housing and Urban Development would respond to the study's findings, HUD undersecretary Nathan Heffernan explained that the department's future policy would remain consistent with its current strategy, which is to focus on more important issues than the homeless and their unimportant lot in life.

"Unless, of course," Heffernan said, "one of them grabs one of our pants legs as we're stepping past him, demands money, and won't let go, in which case, standard federal policy dictates kicking and screaming, 'Get it off me! Get it off me!' repeatedly until police arrive."

The homeless themselves offered little or no reaction to the release of the HUD study, as most of them have no idea what HUD is, or for that matter, that the study exists in the first place.

According to Wagner, if a homeless person were to be asked about the report—which he stressed they would not be—they would likely say something unintelligible and drunken, vomit, then spend the night sleeping in that vomit. Upon waking, it is predicted that they would then resume begging and drinking.

"I think it is important to remember that each of us, regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, income, handicap, or family status, is a human being who has value as a person," said Diana Feeney of the San Francisco-based What About The Children? Foundation, "except, of course, the homeless, who are lower than dogs."

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