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Nation’s Landmarks Piled In Single Location For Easier Monitoring

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Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling

Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips

Whether you’re rerouting canceled flights or changing destinations on the fly, nothing can be more stressful during the holidays than making travel arrangements at the last minute.

New National Park Caters To Business Travelers

PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared spe...

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster

TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance. According to park officials, the Stamin...

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop.

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Germ-Free Haven!

Tired of trying to stay clean all the time? Try this completely germ-free dwelling in the heart of the Arctic Circle, where no germs can survive!

Under The Porch

Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks.

A Tent In The Backyard!

Why can’t I just camp out in the backyard? Come on, it’s warm enough! Jared could stay over and we won’t be too loud.

San Francisco: The City By The Bay

This one-of-a-kind place offers food, sites, and people specific to it. There are ways to get alcohol and beds to sleep in at night, and the weather may be favorable depending on when you visit.

SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride

ORLANDO, FL—Citing flagging popularity and recurrent technical problems over the attraction’s 10-year run, SeaWorld Orlando announced that it will permanently shutter its great white shark ride, officials for the theme park announced Tuesday.

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.

STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break

PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea announced it had an awesome time during this year’s spring break.
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Nation’s Landmarks Piled In Single Location For Easier Monitoring

Officials say the new piling effort makes it easier to safeguard the Empire State Building, Space Needle, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Old Ironsides, Washington Monument, Brooklyn Bridge, Graceland, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and the 2,524 other sites.
Officials say the new piling effort makes it easier to safeguard the Empire State Building, Space Needle, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Old Ironsides, Washington Monument, Brooklyn Bridge, Graceland, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and the 2,524 other sites.

BROADWATER, NE—In a move aimed at protecting the nation’s natural and historical heritage from potential threats, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced this week it had relocated all major American landmarks into one big, carefully guarded pile in the center of the country.

Spanning 25 square miles in a remote section of western Nebraska, the densely packed, 5,000-foot-high mound is said to contain every prominent national monument, historically designated building, and notable piece of public infrastructure from across the United States.

“From a strategic perspective, it just makes sense to put all these great symbols of America right here in one place, where we can keep an eye on all of them at once,” said Homeland Security secretary Jeh Johnson, speaking in front of the pile, within which reporters could see a span of the Golden Gate Bridge, the extended arm of the Statue of Liberty, and, tucked beneath the St. Louis Arch, the South Portico of the White House. “This way, we don’t need to safeguard thousands of individual locations scattered all over the country. We can instead focus all our surveillance measures on this single heap.”

“From now on, making sure Independence Hall, the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, and Fenway Park are all safe and secure is as easy as doing a 20-minute perimeter patrol around the pile,” Johnson added.

Observers confirmed that within the tight confines of the pile one can find such familiar national landmarks as the Hoover Dam, Willis Tower, all bridges and tunnels going into or out of Manhattan, the Lincoln Memorial, Kennedy Space Center, the newly opened One World Trade Center, Fort Sumter, and most of the country’s international airports. In addition, authorities confirmed all 50 statehouses have been relocated to the site.

According to sources within the government, the new plan will greatly simplify national security efforts, as the area can be protected by just a couple dozen guards stationed every half mile along the pile’s periphery. DHS officials also confirmed that a chain-link fence has been erected around the entire site and that the barrier will be topped with razor wire, which experts believe will serve as an added deterrent.

“I never thought I’d be able to put my family in the car, drive for three hours, and see the Pearl Harbor memorial, but here we are.”

“In addition to helping keep these famous symbols of America safe from a variety of manmade and natural threats, consolidating the most popular sites on the National Register of Historic Places into a single giant mound has allowed us to cut costs dramatically,” said James Clapper, the director of national intelligence. “Obviously we’ve suffered some setbacks, with Monticello and the Mesa Verde cliff dwellings crumbling during our attempts to transport them here, but in the long run we’re reducing our burden on taxpayers.”

“Best of all, our intelligence agencies will be able to oversee the landmarks from headquarters located right here in Broadwater, NE,” continued Clapper, “which is now of course the United States capital, given the presence of the U.S. Capitol building, the Supreme Court, the National Mall, the Pentagon, and several hundred other federal buildings.”

Many Americans have reportedly been critical of the project, noting that Wyoming’s Devils Tower had been haphazardly placed atop the pile, almost completely crushing the Las Vegas Strip and Grand Central Terminal below it. At the same time, sources noted that the original copy of the U.S. Constitution was allegedly misplaced in the mile-high stack, though officials from the National Archives assured the public that the document was “probably somewhere under the Alamo.”

However, sources confirmed that the first tourists to arrive at the massive pile had issued few complaints, with many telling reporters they had enjoyed visiting over 2,500 national landmarks in one convenient location.

“I never thought I’d be able to put my family in the car, drive for three hours, and see the Pearl Harbor memorial, but here we are,” 46-year-old Denver resident Kurt Riggins said as he toured the new resting place of the USS Arizona. “It would have taken us years to see all this stuff if we’d had to travel all over the country. And I’ve gotta say, it was pretty cool to walk through the doors of Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater and look out on Mount Rushmore in the very spot where the Battle of Bunker Hill took place.”

“Unfortunately, I haven’t seen Carlsbad Caverns yet,” he added. “I was told Carlsbad Caverns was in there.”

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