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Best Of January 2015

Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion.

Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard.

Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations

CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time. ...
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Nation’s Landmarks Piled In Single Location For Easier Monitoring

Officials say the new piling effort makes it easier to safeguard the Empire State Building, Space Needle, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Old Ironsides, Washington Monument, Brooklyn Bridge, Graceland, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and the 2,524 other sites.
Officials say the new piling effort makes it easier to safeguard the Empire State Building, Space Needle, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Old Ironsides, Washington Monument, Brooklyn Bridge, Graceland, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and the 2,524 other sites.

BROADWATER, NE—In a move aimed at protecting the nation’s natural and historical heritage from potential threats, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced this week it had relocated all major American landmarks into one big, carefully guarded pile in the center of the country.

Spanning 25 square miles in a remote section of western Nebraska, the densely packed, 5,000-foot-high mound is said to contain every prominent national monument, historically designated building, and notable piece of public infrastructure from across the United States.

“From a strategic perspective, it just makes sense to put all these great symbols of America right here in one place, where we can keep an eye on all of them at once,” said Homeland Security secretary Jeh Johnson, speaking in front of the pile, within which reporters could see a span of the Golden Gate Bridge, the extended arm of the Statue of Liberty, and, tucked beneath the St. Louis Arch, the South Portico of the White House. “This way, we don’t need to safeguard thousands of individual locations scattered all over the country. We can instead focus all our surveillance measures on this single heap.”

“From now on, making sure Independence Hall, the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, and Fenway Park are all safe and secure is as easy as doing a 20-minute perimeter patrol around the pile,” Johnson added.

Observers confirmed that within the tight confines of the pile one can find such familiar national landmarks as the Hoover Dam, Willis Tower, all bridges and tunnels going into or out of Manhattan, the Lincoln Memorial, Kennedy Space Center, the newly opened One World Trade Center, Fort Sumter, and most of the country’s international airports. In addition, authorities confirmed all 50 statehouses have been relocated to the site.

According to sources within the government, the new plan will greatly simplify national security efforts, as the area can be protected by just a couple dozen guards stationed every half mile along the pile’s periphery. DHS officials also confirmed that a chain-link fence has been erected around the entire site and that the barrier will be topped with razor wire, which experts believe will serve as an added deterrent.

“I never thought I’d be able to put my family in the car, drive for three hours, and see the Pearl Harbor memorial, but here we are.”

“In addition to helping keep these famous symbols of America safe from a variety of manmade and natural threats, consolidating the most popular sites on the National Register of Historic Places into a single giant mound has allowed us to cut costs dramatically,” said James Clapper, the director of national intelligence. “Obviously we’ve suffered some setbacks, with Monticello and the Mesa Verde cliff dwellings crumbling during our attempts to transport them here, but in the long run we’re reducing our burden on taxpayers.”

“Best of all, our intelligence agencies will be able to oversee the landmarks from headquarters located right here in Broadwater, NE,” continued Clapper, “which is now of course the United States capital, given the presence of the U.S. Capitol building, the Supreme Court, the National Mall, the Pentagon, and several hundred other federal buildings.”

Many Americans have reportedly been critical of the project, noting that Wyoming’s Devils Tower had been haphazardly placed atop the pile, almost completely crushing the Las Vegas Strip and Grand Central Terminal below it. At the same time, sources noted that the original copy of the U.S. Constitution was allegedly misplaced in the mile-high stack, though officials from the National Archives assured the public that the document was “probably somewhere under the Alamo.”

However, sources confirmed that the first tourists to arrive at the massive pile had issued few complaints, with many telling reporters they had enjoyed visiting over 2,500 national landmarks in one convenient location.

“I never thought I’d be able to put my family in the car, drive for three hours, and see the Pearl Harbor memorial, but here we are,” 46-year-old Denver resident Kurt Riggins said as he toured the new resting place of the USS Arizona. “It would have taken us years to see all this stuff if we’d had to travel all over the country. And I’ve gotta say, it was pretty cool to walk through the doors of Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater and look out on Mount Rushmore in the very spot where the Battle of Bunker Hill took place.”

“Unfortunately, I haven’t seen Carlsbad Caverns yet,” he added. “I was told Carlsbad Caverns was in there.”

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