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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

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