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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Nation’s Limo Drivers Spend Magical Prom Night Playing Scratch-Off Tickets In Parking Lot

Limo drivers say they’ll always remember the magical feeling of getting a horseshoe on the Lucky Loot scratch-and-win.
Limo drivers say they’ll always remember the magical feeling of getting a horseshoe on the Lucky Loot scratch-and-win.

WASHINGTON—Enjoying a beautiful evening and building memories they would likely cherish for years to come, the nation’s limo drivers spent a magical prom night playing scratch-off lotto tickets in darkened parking lots across the country Saturday, sources confirmed.

Numerous reports indicate the drivers, dressed handsomely in their least-wrinkled shirts and ties, savored the magnificent galas by blowing through stacks of tic-tac-toe-themed instant games and $1,000-a-week-for-life scratch cards during just the first of several splendid hours they spent patiently waiting in their vehicles.

“I bought a couple Moola Moolas and Cherry Triplers, and I also got one of those $5 ones,” said M & J Transportation driver Arnold Hauser of Cincinnati, who reportedly also occupied himself through a large portion of the spectacular soiree by resting his head against the driver’s-side window while half-listening to a radio broadcast of the Reds game. “I burned through those pretty quickly, but they all ended up being duds.”

“I got pretty close to the jackpot on Frontier Bucks, though,” Hauser added. “Just needed one more barrel.”

Sources confirmed thousands of chauffeurs across the country began the enchanted evening by quickly cramming stacks of old magazines and OTB racing forms into the glove compartments of their limos and checking to make sure their shirts were tucked in before arriving at their passengers’ pickup locations 30 minutes early in accordance with company policy.

Experiencing possibly the biggest and grandest night of their lives, the nation’s limo drivers reportedly swayed in place to the sounds of the Styx Greatest Hits CD they brought along to pop into the vehicle’s stereo. Reports confirmed that many limo drivers then chose to spend the dazzling spring formal leaning up against the trunk of their vehicles and smoking a pack of Dorals, while others sat slumped in their seats repeatedly shuffling a deck of playing cards or squeezing a hand grip strengthener they kept in the center console.

“After a while I swung by the 7-Eleven,” said Wayne Cunningham of Eau Claire, WI, describing the ornate buffet of Snickers, M&M’s, and sunflower seeds he dined on that memorable evening, as well as the enchanting box of frozen 7-Select Chicken Nuggets that was heated to perfection in the convenience store’s microwave. “I had to get a bottle of Coke since the soda machine was busted.”

“Made sure to pick up another pack of Dorals and a couple Quick Picks, too,” Cunningham continued.

In what was likely as wonderful a night as they had always imagined it would be, limo drivers from New York to Los Angeles reportedly gathered with other formally attired chauffeurs under parking lot lights to share tales of the messes left by passengers in their vehicles, and took marvelous strolls through the lobby of the Hilton hotel where they were parked as they attempted to locate a restroom.

According to sources, the nation’s drivers then spent the waning hours of the resplendent evening placing wondrous phone calls to their ex-wives to explain that something came up and they couldn’t take their daughters next weekend.

Those close to the situation said that as their glamorous formals came to an end, the country’s chauffeurs took the opportunity to play one last spellbinding game of Diamond Dash on their phones before pulling up to the curb and loading the pack of screaming teenagers back into the limo.

“I matched six numbers on Keno and won 10 bucks,” said Orlando, FL limo driver Anthony Phillips, smiling broadly as the evening drew to a close. “I’m never going to forget this night.”

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