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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate

WASHINGTON—With only a week remaining in the 2012 presidential campaign, the one-third of Americans adults who identify as members of the lower class announced they are still waiting for the first meaningful mention of themselves by either of the major-party candidates. “I’ve heard a lot about how the middle class is vital to the economy and how the upper class may not be paying their fair share, so I’m hoping that, at some point, there’s at least one remark from Romney or Obama on the plight of the lower class,” said Spillville, IA resident Martin Huskins, a cashier who earned $14,600 last year. “Just a word or two would go a long way. Even if the campaigns talk about us in a manipulative or patronizing way—that’d be okay, so long as there’s an actual acknowledgment of the millions upon millions of Americans in my situation. Because it seems like a pretty big problem, right?” Reached for comment, members of the nation’s working poor and underclass said they were pretty sure both candidates must be saving up big speeches on poverty to deliver right before Election Day.

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