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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions

All Graduating Students Must Master Gamsin, Negtan, Cosvnx, 24 Others

WASHINGTON—Adding to the six basic functions that have for years made up the foundation of trigonometry, the nation’s mathematics teachers reportedly introduced 27 new functions today that high schoolers will be expected to master. “While the core of the trigonometry curriculum has traditionally consisted solely of sine, cosine, tangent, secant, cosecant, and cotangent, henceforth we will be including gasmin, negtan, cosvnx, and two dozen others, such as tosna and cotosna, that our pupils will need to have down pat in order to pass,” Coolidge Senior High School trig teacher Robert Beckman said on behalf of the nation’s math educators, emphasizing that students will be required to have full understanding of tofsin, pomen, cocosine, phyxyx, fotsin, and fostin as they apply to the various properties of equilateral, isosceles, and scalene triangles. “Students will also need to know the corresponding graphs for the functions. For example, drin forms a sort of stepladder going up the X and Y axes, while codrin forms a stepladder going down. I can assure you that all of these are absolutely crucial to understanding basic trigonometry, not to mention a requisite for anyone seeking to graduate and move on to college.” Beckman added that factoring will be cut from the math curriculum entirely because it’s “annoying and too fucking hard sometimes.”

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WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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