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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions

All Graduating Students Must Master Gamsin, Negtan, Cosvnx, 24 Others

WASHINGTON—Adding to the six basic functions that have for years made up the foundation of trigonometry, the nation’s mathematics teachers reportedly introduced 27 new functions today that high schoolers will be expected to master. “While the core of the trigonometry curriculum has traditionally consisted solely of sine, cosine, tangent, secant, cosecant, and cotangent, henceforth we will be including gasmin, negtan, cosvnx, and two dozen others, such as tosna and cotosna, that our pupils will need to have down pat in order to pass,” Coolidge Senior High School trig teacher Robert Beckman said on behalf of the nation’s math educators, emphasizing that students will be required to have full understanding of tofsin, pomen, cocosine, phyxyx, fotsin, and fostin as they apply to the various properties of equilateral, isosceles, and scalene triangles. “Students will also need to know the corresponding graphs for the functions. For example, drin forms a sort of stepladder going up the X and Y axes, while codrin forms a stepladder going down. I can assure you that all of these are absolutely crucial to understanding basic trigonometry, not to mention a requisite for anyone seeking to graduate and move on to college.” Beckman added that factoring will be cut from the math curriculum entirely because it’s “annoying and too fucking hard sometimes.”

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