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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson

WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open, circle unbroken; come to us, Oh Perfect One, and bathe us in your Light!” 59-year-old housewife Linda Weber recited amidst a sea of naked aunts and mothers, twisting and gyrating in ritual procession around the flaming pit as she invoked the hallowed presence of the Sense And Sensibility star. “Emma sumus in fide, Matres et materterae, Emma matronas inegri, Matresque canamus!” Sources reported that as the spectral form of the BAFTA Award–winning actress began flickering in the fire, the postmenopausal horde had unanimously selected Milwaukee-area mother Karen Schweitzer to be sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Goddess of Howard’s End.

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