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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson

WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open, circle unbroken; come to us, Oh Perfect One, and bathe us in your Light!” 59-year-old housewife Linda Weber recited amidst a sea of naked aunts and mothers, twisting and gyrating in ritual procession around the flaming pit as she invoked the hallowed presence of the Sense And Sensibility star. “Emma sumus in fide, Matres et materterae, Emma matronas inegri, Matresque canamus!” Sources reported that as the spectral form of the BAFTA Award–winning actress began flickering in the fire, the postmenopausal horde had unanimously selected Milwaukee-area mother Karen Schweitzer to be sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Goddess of Howard’s End.

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