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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson

WASHINGTON—Divesting themselves of their khakis and walking shoes at the stroke of midnight and chanting hymns in supplication to the 54-year-old star, the nation’s mothers danced naked around a moonlit bonfire last night to conjure the spirit of English actress and screenwriter Emma Thompson. “The door is open, circle unbroken; come to us, Oh Perfect One, and bathe us in your Light!” 59-year-old housewife Linda Weber recited amidst a sea of naked aunts and mothers, twisting and gyrating in ritual procession around the flaming pit as she invoked the hallowed presence of the Sense And Sensibility star. “Emma sumus in fide, Matres et materterae, Emma matronas inegri, Matresque canamus!” Sources reported that as the spectral form of the BAFTA Award–winning actress began flickering in the fire, the postmenopausal horde had unanimously selected Milwaukee-area mother Karen Schweitzer to be sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Goddess of Howard’s End.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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