adBlockCheck

Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride'

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride'

DES MOINES, IA—Sitting down on their living room couches Friday after running a few household errands, mothers across the nation told their children today to "buckle the fuck up" for the 2012 London Olympic Opening Ceremony, adding that the event was sure to be "one hell of a wild-ass ride."

"Hold on to your hats, motherfuckers, because you’re about to get knocked on your asses by some real goddamned pageantry," said local mother Sarah Foster, 46, telling her children Daniel, 8, and Cindy, 14, that the three-hour plus broadcast was going to feature "an ever-loving shitload of colorful choreography." "As soon as Greece gets out there and that Parade of Athletes gets going, shit’s gonna get buck wild, believe me."

"Hope you're ready, bitches," Foster added while folding laundry.

Saying that the show would "really fucking kick it up a notch" after the International Olympic Committee president started introducing each nation's representatives, mothers reportedly reminded their children that it was going to be "balls-to-the-wall with multicultural pomp and splendor" from the minute "those goddamn rings roll across that screen” to “the second some magnificent English cocksucker lights up that Olympic torch."

"Mother of fucking Christ, strap in tight and batten down the hatches, you sons of bitches, because these wondrous sets and props are going to blow the brains straight out of your skull," said Toledo, OH mother Martha Crawford to her 13-year-old son, Aaron, as she handed him a snack plate of carrots and hummus. "You better get yourself a clean pair of underwear ready, because when those fucking flag bearers start running, you'll be creaming your jeans in no time."

According to a Zogby poll, 43 percent of mothers said, "You're going to lose your shit when you see this ornate goddamned costumery," with 31 percent noting, "I hope you like stirring representations of English cultural history, 'cause this shit is about to tear your ass to shreds," and the remaining 26 percent declaring, "You think you've seen flags before, huh? Oh, you’re about to see a goddamned plethora of fucking flags waving in perfect formation, so step back, bitch."

At press time, the mothers told reporters that "if you think this opening ceremony is a beast, wait until your ass gets a load of the motherfucking women’s gymnastics finals."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close