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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Nation's Movie Theaters Bracing For 'Hansel And Gretel' Being Perhaps The Biggest Hit Of All Time

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Setting up barricades and unloading emergency food supplies today as they readied for what may perhaps be the single most commercially successful film of all time, movie theaters across the nation continued urgently preparing for the massive crowds of fans expected to rush their doors for Friday’s premiere of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. “If we don’t guard these exits and reinforce the doors, people will literally break them down,” Regal Cinemas manager Dan Engle said as he mobilized his staff for the Jeremy Renner–Gemma Arterton action-adventure-horror film, which is scheduled to play on all 12 of the theater’s screens during all scheduled showtimes throughout the day. “Folks, I don’t want to be a pain here, but in mere hours we’re going to have hundreds—if not thousands—of screaming Hansel and Gretel fans lined up outside trying to see this film, and if we don’t have a body at every door then these people will, I shit you not, burst into the projection room and steal the movie itself right off the projector.” At press time, officials at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer had ordered extra security detail for the film’s director, Tommy Wirkola, until the worldwide pandemonium dies down.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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