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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. "I feel totally reinvigorated—this year I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and getting ready to die, first by canceling all my magazine subscriptions," said 92-year-old Hollis Ryzek, adding that his new carpe diem attitude stems from his desire to tell his grandchildren he loves them one final time. "I'm looking forward to planning my last words, getting my living will in order in case they have to pull the plug on me, and then it's off to sit alone in my room at the assisted living facility and think about how all my friends are dead. This is going to be the best last year ever!" Ryzek said he jumped feetfirst into his dynamic new routine, spending New Year's Day calling all his relatives to make sure they knew he wanted to be cremated.

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