Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now

WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible. “Sure, things may look bad right now, but even if the worst happens, it’s only four years we’re talking about here,” said Santa Fe, NM resident Pete Mirenge, one of hundreds of thousands of positive thinkers across the nation who would do everyone a huge goddamn favor by closing their fucking traps right this fucking second and keeping them sealed for the foreseeable future. “This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances—to ensure that whatever happens in the election, the executive branch never gets too much power. Think about it: Has any president been able to carry out their platform to the letter? No. Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, believe me.” According to sources, a calm and composed Mirenge—who reportedly has about five seconds before his mouth is shut for him—then added that the country’s been through much worse and everything turned out okay.

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