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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

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On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Nation’s Pedophiles March On Washington, D.C. Elementary School

The nation’s pedophiles marched on this Washington, D.C. elementary school demanding to know if students wanted to watch Bob The Builder with them.
The nation’s pedophiles marched on this Washington, D.C. elementary school demanding to know if students wanted to watch Bob The Builder with them.

WASHINGTON—With muttered chants of “Do you like The Hunger Games?” “I’m friends with your dad from work,” and “Cool backpack,” the nation’s pedophiles marched Monday upon Washington, D.C. grammar school Heatherton Elementary.

The march, which consisted of over one million pedophiles from across the nation who approached the school in hooded jackets, sidled up in late-’90s-model sedans, and peered out from trees adjacent to the school’s playground, reportedly began at 7:15 a.m., at which time a diverse crowd of child-lovers began creeping up on the nation’s capital from all sides.

“Look, we’re just going for a stroll, okay? We’re allowed to be here,” a semi-balding man wearing sunglasses and dressed in an Arizona State sweatshirt told reporters, glancing furtively in both directions. “I don’t see any harm in that.”

“If you want me to go, I’ll go,” the man added, rolling up a Captain America comic book and putting it into his L.L. Bean backpack. “No problem here, all right?”

Discreetly waving king-size candy bars, foil packs of Yu-Gi-Oh! trading cards, and Nintendo DS systems, the pedophiles reportedly made their way toward the school along a route that passed by several landmarks highly significant to their community, pausing at the parking lot of a local Toys “R” Us, the house of third-grader Jimmy Hatchell, and the National Zoo.

The group arrived at Heatherton Elementary on schedule at 11:35 a.m., when students at the school are let out for recess. Many of the pedophiles proceeded to gather by a chain-link fence to leer at an ongoing game of freeze tag.

“I’m just out for some fresh air,” one pedophile told reporters, burying his face in a newspaper as a police car rolled past. “I needed to get out of the house, you know?”

“Beautiful in D.C. this time of year,” he added.

When asked for their demands, the majority of pederasts cagily wiped sweat from their foreheads, while some said their “nephew—uh, sure, [their] nephew goes to this school.” Many issued no statement and darted away from reporters immediately after being questioned.

One individual flatly stated, “I want to have sex with a child.”

“We’re basically just out here to enjoy a pleasant morning walk—that’s all,” stuttered a Michigan-area pedophile as he peeked through a cypress bush to watch a group of 7-year-old boys wrestling in a pile of leaves. “Angels. Just absolutely darling little angels.”

“Hey, did you write that down?” continued the man before abruptly pausing, noticing that he was being recorded, and then scurrying back in the opposite direction.

Though the pedophiles faced significant opposition from school chaperones, teachers, and court orders, the marchers nonetheless persevered, with nearly 3,000 individuals working up the courage to take a few steps past the fence surrounding the playground while uttering cries of “Now those are some cool light-up shoes!” and “How would you like to come over to my house and meet Spider-Man?”

“It’s public property—we’re not doing anything illegal,” said the coalition’s apparent leader, a man in a black tracksuit who had positioned himself exactly 500 feet away from the school. “I’m just a regular guy: I like sleepovers, cool video games, ice cream parlors, and—hey, listen, whatever you’re thinking about me, you’re wrong.”

Though the gathering was largely peaceful, sources confirmed one minor incident in which a fourth-grader sent a dodge ball careening into the woods where over 300,000 pedophiles had assembled. The sexual predators reportedly suffered some minor injuries as they hurried into the underbrush and got “cut up pretty bad” by burrs in order to avoid confrontation with an approaching teacher.

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