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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Nation's Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to reverse a "decades-long trend toward shamefully inadequate underfucking in our nation's adult-entertainment industry," a coalition of U.S. porn stars gathered in the nation's capital Monday to voice their demand to be fucked harder.

Jenna Jameson, co-chair of Porn Stars For Being Fucked Harder.

"Uggh! Come on, give me that cock, jungle stud. Fuck me! Fuck me harder!" said Jenna Jameson, co-chair of Porn Stars For Being Fucked Harder and star of Wicked Pictures' Up And Cummers #10, #11, and #17. "Deeper! Deeper! Oh, fuck."

The D.C. summit arrives on the heels of years of complaints from disgruntled female sex-industry workers, many of whom had repeatedly argued that, as cock-crazed nymphomaniacs who can never get enough, they weren't receiving the deep-dicking they needed.

"Give it to me! Oh, God, give it to me harder," said PSFBFH spokeswoman Christy Canyon, bent over the press-conference podium. "I fucking need it so bad."

Canyon's sentiments echoed those of many PSFBFH members, who are such nasty sluts that moderately hard fucking is not enough to satisfy their constant craving for hot fuck action.

As living embodiments of unrealistic male fantasies, porn stars, experts say, possess extraordinarily high libidos that cannot be satisfied by anything less than full-throttle, no-holes-barred banging. For these women, being such fantasy objects comes at a price: the near-impossibility of attaining the level of full-on pussy pounding they desire, even when lustily worked over by one or more trained professionals.

"The sexual frustration of many porn stars," said noted porn expert Bob Guccione Sr., "is further complicated by the fact that their desires often go beyond traditional vaginally penetrative sex to include a heartfelt need to be repeatedly pounded in the ass, as well."

Tiffany Mynx, PSFBFH co-chair and America's Anal Princess, agreed. "Oooh, baby," read Mynx's testimony before Congress during recent hearings on substandard fucking within the U.S. porn industry. "I want you to slide that big, hungry dick of yours all the way up my tight asshole right now."

According to congressional sources, meeting the porn stars' demands will not be easy.

"Quite simply, no man alive could give it to these wet, horny bitches in the manner they require," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). "They represent a fictional, media-created standard of sexual appetite that nobody, male or female, can possibly satiate."

Despite such skepticism on Capitol Hill, the porn stars remain fully committed to their cause.

"Fuck me!" said porn star Asia Carrera during a recent demonstration in downtown Washington. "Goddamn it, I said fuck me harder!"

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