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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nation’s Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review’s ‘Best College Radio Station’ Rankings

NATICK, MA—Saying that the ratings were influential in helping them make decisions about where to pursue higher education, prospective college applicants across the country reportedly rushed online this week to consult The Princeton Review’s 2015 “Best College Radio Station” rankings. “This list is a pretty big factor in determining where I want to go—there’s no way I’m sending an application to a school that isn’t in the top 10 campus stations,” said high school senior Kyle Hofstadter, adding that seeing St. Bonaventure University’s 88.3 “The Buzz” jump to number three this year had considerably influenced his decision to apply early. “I’m going to do some research on my own about things like how soon they let you become a DJ and what their indie-to-hip-hop ratio is like, just to make sure I’m not putting too much stock in the rankings. But after reading this, I’m pretty sure I know the schools that are right for me.” Many applicants added that they also intended to consider a safety school such as Denison University, whose 91.1 WDUB “The Doobie” was ranked an unimpressive 17th on the list.

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