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Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us'

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us'

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of Sunday’s deadly shooting in which a white supremacist allegedly shot and killed six congregants at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, the nation’s psychologically sound populace issued a statement begging its insane counterparts to please, please stop shooting so many Americans. “Today we come together with a single voice, hoping to reach you with one very simple message: For the love of God, please stop firing your guns at us,” a statement from the sane read in part. “We don’t care if you’re a 22-year-old male with a history of psychological illness, a severely unhinged graduate student who fell through the cracks of our mental health care system, or an embittered middle-aged man convinced that religious minorities are threatening the fabric of America. All we ask is that you cease charging into rooms full of innocent people and raining down bullets on everyone in sight.” After making their urgent plea, the American people reportedly began stocking up on guns in the hopes of preventing future shootings from taking place.

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