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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us'

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of Sunday’s deadly shooting in which a white supremacist allegedly shot and killed six congregants at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, the nation’s psychologically sound populace issued a statement begging its insane counterparts to please, please stop shooting so many Americans. “Today we come together with a single voice, hoping to reach you with one very simple message: For the love of God, please stop firing your guns at us,” a statement from the sane read in part. “We don’t care if you’re a 22-year-old male with a history of psychological illness, a severely unhinged graduate student who fell through the cracks of our mental health care system, or an embittered middle-aged man convinced that religious minorities are threatening the fabric of America. All we ask is that you cease charging into rooms full of innocent people and raining down bullets on everyone in sight.” After making their urgent plea, the American people reportedly began stocking up on guns in the hopes of preventing future shootings from taking place.

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