Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way. “We spent an awful long time getting things into this condition, so we’d appreciate if everyone respected that by not leaving trash around or tracking mud on the streets,” said custodian Mark Guthrie, who, alongside thousands of his colleagues, had just finished mopping all of the nation’s floors, vacuuming its carpets, cleaning its bathrooms, scooping out its gutters, dusting its shelves, and power-washing its sidewalks. “We worked really hard to make sure everything is just the way we like it. As of now, every surface in the country is spotless, and we hope you’ll work with us to keep it that way. If you absolutely must do something that might be a bit messy, try to cross the border into Canada or Mexico.” At press time, the nation had already fucked everything up and Guthrie was scraping gum off a park bench.

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