Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way. “We spent an awful long time getting things into this condition, so we’d appreciate if everyone respected that by not leaving trash around or tracking mud on the streets,” said custodian Mark Guthrie, who, alongside thousands of his colleagues, had just finished mopping all of the nation’s floors, vacuuming its carpets, cleaning its bathrooms, scooping out its gutters, dusting its shelves, and power-washing its sidewalks. “We worked really hard to make sure everything is just the way we like it. As of now, every surface in the country is spotless, and we hope you’ll work with us to keep it that way. If you absolutely must do something that might be a bit messy, try to cross the border into Canada or Mexico.” At press time, the nation had already fucked everything up and Guthrie was scraping gum off a park bench.

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