Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way. “We spent an awful long time getting things into this condition, so we’d appreciate if everyone respected that by not leaving trash around or tracking mud on the streets,” said custodian Mark Guthrie, who, alongside thousands of his colleagues, had just finished mopping all of the nation’s floors, vacuuming its carpets, cleaning its bathrooms, scooping out its gutters, dusting its shelves, and power-washing its sidewalks. “We worked really hard to make sure everything is just the way we like it. As of now, every surface in the country is spotless, and we hope you’ll work with us to keep it that way. If you absolutely must do something that might be a bit messy, try to cross the border into Canada or Mexico.” At press time, the nation had already fucked everything up and Guthrie was scraping gum off a park bench.

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