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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’

BIMINI, BAHAMAS—Saying that with just a modest degree of effort and planning you could be boarding a boat alongside them right now and heading out to dive at a picturesque coral reef, the nation’s shark experts confirmed Monday that you could have easily had their job. “I live off a beach, go out on the crystal-clear ocean every morning, and get paid to take pictures of sharks, and quite frankly, there was never anything preventing you from doing the same exact thing,” said Bimini Biological Field Station research biologist Martin Pomenski, 35, who went on to add that such a career path wouldn’t have even been difficult for you, as he simply spent a few summers studying in the Bahamas as an undergrad and then picked up a masters at a decent accredited program and now he’s one of the world’s leading experts on Caribbean reef sharks. “If you’d had even a tiny bit of initiative, you could be wearing a wetsuit and interacting with sharks—honest to God 7-foot-long sharks—for a living. That’s what I do every day. And it’s not even like I went to Harvard or anything, but hey, here I am.” Before plunging over the side of his research vessel into the warm Caribbean waters, Pomenski added that touching a real live shark was just as exhilarating as you’d always imagined.

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