adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’

BIMINI, BAHAMAS—Saying that with just a modest degree of effort and planning you could be boarding a boat alongside them right now and heading out to dive at a picturesque coral reef, the nation’s shark experts confirmed Monday that you could have easily had their job. “I live off a beach, go out on the crystal-clear ocean every morning, and get paid to take pictures of sharks, and quite frankly, there was never anything preventing you from doing the same exact thing,” said Bimini Biological Field Station research biologist Martin Pomenski, 35, who went on to add that such a career path wouldn’t have even been difficult for you, as he simply spent a few summers studying in the Bahamas as an undergrad and then picked up a masters at a decent accredited program and now he’s one of the world’s leading experts on Caribbean reef sharks. “If you’d had even a tiny bit of initiative, you could be wearing a wetsuit and interacting with sharks—honest to God 7-foot-long sharks—for a living. That’s what I do every day. And it’s not even like I went to Harvard or anything, but hey, here I am.” Before plunging over the side of his research vessel into the warm Caribbean waters, Pomenski added that touching a real live shark was just as exhilarating as you’d always imagined.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close