adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019

A coalition of single men emphasize that their sheets don’t even really smell and should hold up fine for another 6 or 7 years at least.
A coalition of single men emphasize that their sheets don’t even really smell and should hold up fine for another 6 or 7 years at least.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that their bedsheets have no major stains and look completely fine except for a “couple flakes of skin here and there,” the nation’s single men announced Tuesday that their goal is to change their bedding by 2019.

The country’s bachelors, who last changed their sheets in November of 2003, told reporters that though their linens are faded and slightly itchy at times, they are completely fine for sleeping in, and at this point barely even smell.

“As of now, our plan is to strip the bed of its sheets and wash them by either June or December of 2019,” said unmarried Atlanta man James Bolter, who reportedly sighed and said he guesses that means pillowcases, too. “The hottest part of this summer is nearly over so we’re not going to be sweating as much at night, which means we just don’t see any immediate need to change and wash our sheets.”

“Washing our comforters—be it the sheets that cover them or the comforters themselves—is not part of our 2019 timeline, and I believe it will stay that way,” the bachelor added. “The earliest we would even consider washing our comforters would be 2035, if ever.”

According to the nation’s single men, many of whom have resorted to spraying a light layer of Febreze over their beds once a week for the last decade, their sheets haven’t gotten nearly “fuzzy” or “wrinkly” enough to be changed. Moreover, within the last 10 years, the bachelors have made certain to alternate the side of the bed on which they sleep so that one section doesn’t get more soiled with dead skin than the other.

In addition to sleeping on different sides of their pillows, the bachelors have also made sure to “flip over” the mattresses’ fitted sheets and top sheets once a year to “keep things fresh.”

“We believe that as long as you change your sheets once or twice a decade you’ll be fine,” said 27-year-old Delaware man Jeff Kugler, who doesn’t have a girlfriend, and later added that he’s heard of how dust mites, mite excrement, and bacteria can build up if sheets aren’t laundered but said all of that is “bullshit.” “My sheets have a few stains on them, but they’re all dried now. You can’t see them unless you are really looking for them. The outlines of the stains are there, but that’s it. So everything will be okay for the next six years or so.”

Saying that crumbs and hair have become so embedded in the sheets that you can’t even tell they’re there, the unattached men listed several other factors as to why they’ve avoided changing their sheets. First, they told reporters, their sheets are navy blue so it’s “not like they look dirty.” Second, changing them “will be really fucking annoying” and “take up a long fucking time.” And third, the bachelors said, they are “just too busy with other stuff.”

Perhaps most important, the single men noted, is the fact that they only have one pair of sheets, meaning that any linen change would necessitate sleeping on their mattress pads for up to six months while they put off removing their bedding from the laundry.

“The next laundry day is in 2019, so that’s when I’ll do my next load of sheets,” said 34-year-old Martin Rhodes while removing magazines, Kleenexes, and plates from his bed. “But it just depends on what things are like then. Maybe it won’t be necessary. I haven’t really had to wash these sheets since college and they’re fine.”

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close