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Dilemma

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Dilemma

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad. “Based on our findings, there are a variety of effective ways to handle Dad depending on the situation, such as whether it’s a whole family outing or if you’re talking to him one-on-one,” read the 85-page document in part, which covered how to deal with Dad on long car rides, when he’s had a couple drinks, when he has a political ax to grind, and when he’s in “one of his moods.” “Regardless of whether you choose to change the subject, lay out your point of view in terms he would understand, or silently wait and let him just get it all out, the evidence overwhelmingly points to the fact that 99 percent of the time it’s nothing personal; that’s just how he acts.” The study concluded that in the majority of cases, it’s helpful to remind yourself that he is who he is, he’s too old to change, and he really does love you.

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