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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value. "We’re tired of waiting around with our 22 disposable dollars, and we insist upon spending this money on a sports-related item," local man Peter Kearsley said to a gathering of several thousand fans in Sandusky, OH, where a rally was organized through one of several hundred blogs and Facebook pages created in the past 24 hours and dedicated to things available for sports fans at a retail price of around $22. "We are no longer satisfied with shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. There must be something, anything, that can both inform and entertain sports fans nationwide." At press time, The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion's first-ever collection of sports reporting, was available for prepurchase at bookstores and online retailers for $21.99 or less.

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