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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value. "We’re tired of waiting around with our 22 disposable dollars, and we insist upon spending this money on a sports-related item," local man Peter Kearsley said to a gathering of several thousand fans in Sandusky, OH, where a rally was organized through one of several hundred blogs and Facebook pages created in the past 24 hours and dedicated to things available for sports fans at a retail price of around $22. "We are no longer satisfied with shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. There must be something, anything, that can both inform and entertain sports fans nationwide." At press time, The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion's first-ever collection of sports reporting, was available for prepurchase at bookstores and online retailers for $21.99 or less.

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