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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value. "We’re tired of waiting around with our 22 disposable dollars, and we insist upon spending this money on a sports-related item," local man Peter Kearsley said to a gathering of several thousand fans in Sandusky, OH, where a rally was organized through one of several hundred blogs and Facebook pages created in the past 24 hours and dedicated to things available for sports fans at a retail price of around $22. "We are no longer satisfied with shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. There must be something, anything, that can both inform and entertain sports fans nationwide." At press time, The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion's first-ever collection of sports reporting, was available for prepurchase at bookstores and online retailers for $21.99 or less.

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