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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation's Sports Fans Demand To Spend $21.99 On Something

UNITED STATES—In cities across the nation, thousands of sports fans rallied together this weekend to demand the world provide them with something to purchase for $21.99, ideally something that would offer immediate enjoyment in addition to providing long-term keepsake value. "We’re tired of waiting around with our 22 disposable dollars, and we insist upon spending this money on a sports-related item," local man Peter Kearsley said to a gathering of several thousand fans in Sandusky, OH, where a rally was organized through one of several hundred blogs and Facebook pages created in the past 24 hours and dedicated to things available for sports fans at a retail price of around $22. "We are no longer satisfied with shirts, hats, and bumper stickers. There must be something, anything, that can both inform and entertain sports fans nationwide." At press time, The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion's first-ever collection of sports reporting, was available for prepurchase at bookstores and online retailers for $21.99 or less.

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