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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated and "no longer fooling around," the nation's substitute teachers publicly demanded Monday to know the identity of the student who threw that. "We are really starting to get fed up here," said Paula Jenkins, president of the National Association Of Substitute Teachers. "We want to know who threw that right now, and we are not kidding." If the perpetrator is not revealed within the next minute, the substitutes have threatened to leave the nation's regular teachers a scathing report detailing the misbehavior of U.S. students while they were out.

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