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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon spokesbeast who ended the nation's teen drug problem with a televised PSA Saturday. "When somebody passes some drugs my way, I'm playin' it cool and sayin', 'No way, José!'" Rico told America's youth in a 30-second spot that aired at 10 a.m. EST during NBC's Saved By The Bell. By that afternoon, the percentage of U.S. teenagers who described themselves as "periodic to regular" drug users fell from 47 to 0. "This whimsical costumed spokesbeast, with his backwards baseball cap and firm grasp of teen slang, has singlehandedly convinced America's youth that drugs are for major turkeys, or, in the case of dope, dopes," said Beth Healy, director of Project Say No, the nonprofit organization that produced the spot. "He has succeeded in sending the message that abstinence from illegal drugs is way awesome." Rico next plans to tour America's prisons on an anti-homicide campaign.

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