adBlockCheck

Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a desire to more closely monitor the growth of U.S. nieces and nephews, the National Coalition of Aunts denounced the severe under-photographing of the nation's precious toddlers Tuesday.

"These little treasures grow up so fast," said Linda Mirrin, chairwoman of the NCA and aunt to three adorable boys. "We aunts have a simple and reasonable request: Take more photos and send them to us, so that we can see how big those little darlings are getting."

Mirrin then dug into her wallet and pulled out photographs of her nephews to show to the assembled crowd of reporters and fellow aunts.

"This is Troy, this one is Michael, and this is David," said Mirrin, who lives three states away from her sister, Maggie Genz. "Aren't they just perfect?"

According to Mirrin, NCA statistics show that the number of photographs taken of a child declines by 42 percent when the child reaches his or her sixth month. The photograph-rate declines another 26 percent at the end of the first year, and another 20 percent each subsequent year until the child starts kindergarten.

"True, I have some pictures," Mirrin said. "But they were taken a year ago, and from what Maggie tells me, David's hair is shorter now, and the little tyke's been growing like a weed. Sadly, I can neither confirm nor deny these statements because I have no photographic evidence. Maggie says she'll send the boys' new school pictures, but would it be so hard for her to take some photos this summer?"

"If you need some film or batteries, I would be happy to mail you some," Mirrin added.

An additional NCA goal, Mirrin said, is to increase the number of photographs taken in the weeks immediately following a toddler's first steps.

"We want that number up by at least 50 percent," Mirrin said. "It's true that toddlers are mischievous. It's also true that aunts would like pictures of the little rascals engaged in mischief. I hear Maggie's stories over the phone, but I would love to see pictures of David dumping dog food on the kitchen floor, or Troy drawing on the wall with crayons."

NCA research indicates an inverse relationship between a family's size and the rate at which its toddlers are photographed.

"We are doing everything we can to fight this trend, but we need cooperation between parents and the extended family," Mirrin said. "When more snapshots are taken, everyone wins."

Mirrin said the NCA was troubled to discover that disposable-camera purchases generally accompany only major events like a trip to Canada, or a child's first haircut.

"Is it so hard to buy a $5 camera and take some pictures of the kids watching TV?" Mirrin asked. "Michael looks so adorable in his pajamas."

"Maggie knows how much I love those little critters," she added.

In an effort to encourage the photographing of everyday life, the NCA is lobbying Congress to provide tax breaks totaling up to $200 for parents who purchase digital cameras, scanners, and high-resolution inkjet printers.

"We're all connected to the Internet these days," Mirrin said. "With e-mail, parents have no excuse for failing to take and send pictures of their little ones."

The NCA hopes early intervention will prevent future photographic oversights.

"It's time to take a stand, before we aunts are denied photos of our nieces' and nephews' pre-teen and teen years," Mirrin said. "We implore all parents to redouble their efforts, because the sad fact remains that 80 percent of family photos taken never make it beyond the nuclear family's photo album."

The League of American Parents responded to the NCA's claims with a strongly worded message.

"We are sympathetic to the nation's aunts," said George Jarvis, spokesman for the LAP. "No one should be deprived of adorable pictures of toddlers dressing the dog in a funny Halloween costume, or simply falling asleep on the living-room floor. However, our official statement on this matter is and always has been: Get your own damn kids. Then see how much you feel like driving to Walgreens and the post office with three screaming kids in the back seat."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close