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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates

WASHINGTON—Sequestered in their homes today to review talking points on a range of topics from gay marriage to Gaza to the wisdom of purchasing a hybrid car, the nation’s uncles have reportedly entered their final stages of preparation for Thursday’s highly anticipated sit-down Thanksgiving dinner debates. “Now, now—now Bob—Bob!—you can’t just go saying… Hold on—you can’t just go saying that without considering the consequences,” said the loudmouth contrarians, talking into their mirrors as they vigorously rehearsed various interruptions and smug denunciations on subjects such as political bias in the media and whether or not underage nephews should be allowed to have a few sips of wine on a holiday. “If you thought about—thank you, Mary, it was delicious—if you thought about the consequences for one second, you’d realize how completely wrong that plan is. That’s exactly what these congressmen think, and that’s why we’re headed off a fiscal cliff. You see?” Sources confirmed the nation’s uncles are drafting their closing remarks around the theme of how the crust on the pumpkin pie could be “a little flakier.”

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