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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous

SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the nation's yet-to-be-caught pedophile coaches expressed nervousness Friday that any one of them could be next. "There's a certain level of anxiety one comes to expect from this sort of life, but all this media attention has made me worry that the terrible things I've done to children may finally come to light," said an assistant high school coach and co-director of a summer sports camp who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I almost wish I were morally strong enough to stop what I'm doing, or even turn myself in, because I know in my heart that sexually abusing the children is wrong and I need serious psychiatric help. But I'll probably just ease up for a while until all this blows over." As of press time, all coaches, assistant coaches, and camp counselors who feel uneasy about sexually molesting defenseless little boys, but haven't used these national cases as an excuse to seriously examine their own lives, continue to be among the worst human beings in existence.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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