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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous

SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the nation's yet-to-be-caught pedophile coaches expressed nervousness Friday that any one of them could be next. "There's a certain level of anxiety one comes to expect from this sort of life, but all this media attention has made me worry that the terrible things I've done to children may finally come to light," said an assistant high school coach and co-director of a summer sports camp who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I almost wish I were morally strong enough to stop what I'm doing, or even turn myself in, because I know in my heart that sexually abusing the children is wrong and I need serious psychiatric help. But I'll probably just ease up for a while until all this blows over." As of press time, all coaches, assistant coaches, and camp counselors who feel uneasy about sexually molesting defenseless little boys, but haven't used these national cases as an excuse to seriously examine their own lives, continue to be among the worst human beings in existence.

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