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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous

SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the nation's yet-to-be-caught pedophile coaches expressed nervousness Friday that any one of them could be next. "There's a certain level of anxiety one comes to expect from this sort of life, but all this media attention has made me worry that the terrible things I've done to children may finally come to light," said an assistant high school coach and co-director of a summer sports camp who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I almost wish I were morally strong enough to stop what I'm doing, or even turn myself in, because I know in my heart that sexually abusing the children is wrong and I need serious psychiatric help. But I'll probably just ease up for a while until all this blows over." As of press time, all coaches, assistant coaches, and camp counselors who feel uneasy about sexually molesting defenseless little boys, but haven't used these national cases as an excuse to seriously examine their own lives, continue to be among the worst human beings in existence.

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