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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Nation's Undiscovered Pedophile Coaches Getting Extremely Nervous

SYRACUSE, NY—After the dismissal of Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine and the arrest of former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, the nation's yet-to-be-caught pedophile coaches expressed nervousness Friday that any one of them could be next. "There's a certain level of anxiety one comes to expect from this sort of life, but all this media attention has made me worry that the terrible things I've done to children may finally come to light," said an assistant high school coach and co-director of a summer sports camp who spoke on condition of anonymity. "I almost wish I were morally strong enough to stop what I'm doing, or even turn myself in, because I know in my heart that sexually abusing the children is wrong and I need serious psychiatric help. But I'll probably just ease up for a while until all this blows over." As of press time, all coaches, assistant coaches, and camp counselors who feel uneasy about sexually molesting defenseless little boys, but haven't used these national cases as an excuse to seriously examine their own lives, continue to be among the worst human beings in existence.

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