Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer

Top Headlines

Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Sleep

Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer

OAKLAND, CA—Shortly after Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis passed away last week, scores of the nation's incompetent but extremely fast wide receivers came forward to mourn the loss of their only employer. "I feel like the last of a generation," Raiders wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey told reporters Friday, stressing how proud he is to be part of a fraternity of lightning-quick but sloppy and stone-handed pass catchers drafted by Oakland who never panned out. "My heart really breaks for all the super-fast kids who can't catch in college and high school right now. Who will draft and ultimately wind up disappointed with them?" The Raiders announced that at halftime of Sunday’s game they will honor Davis for employing most of the NFL’s talentless speedsters over the past 25 years, with Heyward-Bey, Denarious Moore, Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy, Arman Shields, Chaz Schilens, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Jonathan Holland, Kevin McMahan, Carlos Francis, Johnnie Morant, Doug Gabriel, Ryan Hoag, Ken-Yon Rambo, Jerry Porter, Dameane Douglas, Olanda Truitt, Raghib Ismail, Ron Lewis, Gary Gooden, Mike Alexander, and Larry Shephard all expected to participate. Tim Brown, the only talented fast wide receiver of the Davis era, will not be in attendance.