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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer

OAKLAND, CA—Shortly after Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis passed away last week, scores of the nation's incompetent but extremely fast wide receivers came forward to mourn the loss of their only employer. "I feel like the last of a generation," Raiders wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey told reporters Friday, stressing how proud he is to be part of a fraternity of lightning-quick but sloppy and stone-handed pass catchers drafted by Oakland who never panned out. "My heart really breaks for all the super-fast kids who can't catch in college and high school right now. Who will draft and ultimately wind up disappointed with them?" The Raiders announced that at halftime of Sunday’s game they will honor Davis for employing most of the NFL’s talentless speedsters over the past 25 years, with Heyward-Bey, Denarious Moore, Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy, Arman Shields, Chaz Schilens, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Jonathan Holland, Kevin McMahan, Carlos Francis, Johnnie Morant, Doug Gabriel, Ryan Hoag, Ken-Yon Rambo, Jerry Porter, Dameane Douglas, Olanda Truitt, Raghib Ismail, Ron Lewis, Gary Gooden, Mike Alexander, and Larry Shephard all expected to participate. Tim Brown, the only talented fast wide receiver of the Davis era, will not be in attendance.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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