adBlockCheck

Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing Of Only Employer

OAKLAND, CA—Shortly after Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis passed away last week, scores of the nation's incompetent but extremely fast wide receivers came forward to mourn the loss of their only employer. "I feel like the last of a generation," Raiders wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey told reporters Friday, stressing how proud he is to be part of a fraternity of lightning-quick but sloppy and stone-handed pass catchers drafted by Oakland who never panned out. "My heart really breaks for all the super-fast kids who can't catch in college and high school right now. Who will draft and ultimately wind up disappointed with them?" The Raiders announced that at halftime of Sunday’s game they will honor Davis for employing most of the NFL’s talentless speedsters over the past 25 years, with Heyward-Bey, Denarious Moore, Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy, Arman Shields, Chaz Schilens, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Jonathan Holland, Kevin McMahan, Carlos Francis, Johnnie Morant, Doug Gabriel, Ryan Hoag, Ken-Yon Rambo, Jerry Porter, Dameane Douglas, Olanda Truitt, Raghib Ismail, Ron Lewis, Gary Gooden, Mike Alexander, and Larry Shephard all expected to participate. Tim Brown, the only talented fast wide receiver of the Davis era, will not be in attendance.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close