Nation's Wealthiest One Percent Demands Minority Status

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Vol 34 Issue 11

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster.

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
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Nation's Wealthiest One Percent Demands Minority Status

WASHINGTON, DC–A grass-roots coalition representing the highest socioeconomic stratum of Americans marched on Washington Tuesday to demand that the nation's wealthiest one percent be granted official minority status.

Ivana Trump, a leader of the movement to grant the nation's wealthiest one percent minority status.

Journeying to the nation's capital from monied enclaves and gated communities across the nation, the marchers gathered on the National Mall in a unified call for "an end to the discrimination we face daily as members of America's least-recognized minority group."

"We have been invisible for far too long," said billionaire shipping heiress Mrs. Winston O. Lathrop, of the Boston Lathrops, in an impassioned speech at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. "Just because we are among the richest persons on the planet does not mean we are not human beings. Just because we have yachts, mansions and vast corporate holdings in major multinationals does not mean we deserve to be treated as second-class citizens."

Calling the current system of federal support for only certain minority groups "grossly unfair," the marchers demanded that the nation's wealthiest one percent be afforded the same benefits other minorities enjoy.

"Public schools, from what my servants tell me, now offer Hispanic and African-American students special counselors who are sensitive to their unique needs as minorities," said Manhattan socialite Virginia Des Jardins, founder of One Percent Nation, a newsletter dedicated to increasing awareness of minority-elite issues and raising identity-consciousness among one-percenters. "Where are the counselors who can relate to our special needs? Unless you were raised in an environment with 17 maids, you cannot possibly understand what it's like. And day after day, as the economic gap between us and the masses widens, the situation only worsens, and we become ever more marginalized."

Exacerbating the problem, Dallas-based oil baron H. Milton Endicott said, are affirmative-action programs that give economically disadvantaged minorities preference in hiring and college admissions at the expense of the minority elite.

"Black students are becoming an all-too-familiar site on Ivy League campuses and in the board room," Endicott said. "It's getting harder and harder to get accepted to Harvard solely on name alone. All we're asking for is a level playing field."

Marchers, accompanied by their chauffeurs, manservants, and thousands of paid employees, were vocal in their demands for special programs that would help members of the minority-elite live in a society that, as one rallygoer said, "all too often views us with fear and loathing, just because our massive stockpiles of wealth somehow make us 'different.'"

"People on the street stare at us like we're not the same as them–and why?" mining magnate Herbert Lassiter IV said. "Because of the vast sums we have hidden in Swiss banks? Because we receive dinner invitations from Saudi royalty? Because our ties cost more than their families earn in a year? We must learn to embrace these differences and use them to bring us closer together, not to drive us further apart."

Lassiter also stressed the importance of intervention for at-risk one-percenters, many of whom are driven to low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior by the outside world's great indifference to their plight.

"Misunderstood by a world that sees them as outsiders not to be trusted, more and more of the wealthiest one percent are turning to white-collar crime," Lassiter said. "I've seen kids as young as 23 spending up to six months in minimum-security facilities for tax evasion, wasting away in places that offer only the most rudimentary of golf and dining accommodations. That's a hell no young scion should ever have to face."

One-percenters, Des Jardins said, need access to "safe spaces" where they can nurture and foster their own sense of socioeconomic pride and identity with others of their own kind, free from the disapproving glare of the non-wealthy majority. Educating the masses about the special challenges facing the wealthiest one percent, Des Jardins said, is also vital. Such efforts, however, are only the beginning.

"Until the majority learns to stop their terrible othering of the wealthiest one-percent, there will never be true equality," Des Jardins said. "For every one of us, there are 99 plebeians who view us with bigotry and anti-plutocratism."

Organizers called Tuesday's march a "major step forward" but recognize that the road to acceptance for the ultra-rich will be a long, hard one.

"I look forward to a glorious day when the wealthiest one percent can walk down the street, hand in hand with their lessers, as brothers," textile heir Julius Worthington White said. "But, sadly, that day is still a long way off."

"They look down on us, just because we're superior," White continued. "Well, our response is, 'We're here, we're fabulously well-off, get used to it.' We shall overcome."

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