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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Nation's Weirdest Teenager Buys Season One DVD Of 'Murphy Brown'

MUSCATINE, IA—Local teen Brian Lemire, who reports indicate is by far the most bizarre person within his age group anywhere in America, purchased a season-one DVD box set of the early '90s CBS sitcom Murphy Brown this weekend. "It's going to be a real treat to enjoy this landmark show's debut episodes and see where the magic all began," said the staggeringly weird Lemire, who, despite being a 16-year-old living in the year 2011, was somehow "especially psyched" for the long-forgotten program's Dan Quayle jokes and its guest appearances from late character actor Darren McGavin. "The first four years were really when the banter between Candice Bergen and [a cast member whose name Lemire strangely knows] was at its peak." At press time, the human being who was barely old enough to speak when Murphy Brown went off the air in 1998 was for some reason chuckling knowingly at the episode 20 commentary track from creator/executive producer Diane English.

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